


Never Felt More Alone

by WriterMom3010



Series: The Weight of Loneliness [1]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Character Study, Episode 5x12, F/M, Felicity's thoughts, Missing Scene, Not romantic between her and Rory, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 19:03:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10314935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WriterMom3010/pseuds/WriterMom3010
Summary: Felicity's thoughts after Rory leaves the team, in which she finally allows herself to realize just how lonely she feels.





	

Felicity keys jingle more than usual as she pulls them out of her purse to unlock the door to the loft. Even after the drive home, she still can’t seem to make her hands stop shaking. She closes the door behind her, turns on the light, and hangs her coat and purse on the rack. Walking into the kitchen, she pours herself a glass of her cheapest red wine. If she is honest with herself, it has nothing to do with being out of a job and everything to do with drinking what she thinks she deserves. She wants to curl up in her big green blanket on the balcony, but that place is too sacred, filled with too many happy memories. Tonight is not for happy memories. Tonight is for wallowing. Tonight is for finally admitting that Felicity has never felt more alone.

Rory left tonight. It seems silly that one of the newest team members leaving is what triggered the onslaught of emotions Felicity is feeling, but it did. Rory is just another person in Felicity’s life that chose to leave. The list keeps getting longer and Felicity thinks the wine glass may not be full enough to drown her sorrow. Her dad. Cooper. Sara. Ray. Oliver. Diggle for a while. And now Rory. Another person who didn’t think their relationship with her was important enough to stick around. Felicity isn’t so self-absorbed to think that she is the only or even the main reason most of those people left, but she can’t help but notice a pattern. After Havenrock and Billy, though, Felicity doesn’t blame anyone for leaving. She knows she shouldn’t think like that. Intellectually, she knows she is brilliant and kind and worthy, but, in her heart, she can’t help but think they were right to leave. She is just so damn lonely. It’s hard to imagine anyone caring enough to stay, when no one seems to care enough to notice she is almost to her breaking point.

Except, Rory did notice. And maybe that is why she feels this lost. The only person to even notice something was wrong, to notice she was changing, is gone. And the loneliness overwhelms her. There was a time when she thought Rory leaving would make her life easier. Every time she looks at him, the only survivor of Havenrock, she is reminded of what she did. The choice she made. The loss of life that rests squarely on her shoulders. How the person whose very presence conjured up her worst nightmares became the closest thing she’s had to a friend these past few months, she’ll never know. It does show her that loneliness isn’t something new for her. 

Felicity knows that everyone is busy. That the lives of her teammates have been falling apart all around her. Diggle was a fugitive and then in prison. Curtis’ husband left. Quentin has been in rehab. Oliver has been dealing with Prometheus and has Susan now. She gets it. She does. Sometimes she feels like she is the one holding the team together but isn’t sure how much longer she can hold herself together. Sometimes, she just wishes she had someone to help hold some of her pieces.  
More than anything, she thinks this is what intrigues her about Helix. She believes the work she does with Team Arrow is vital. It matters. But she’s starting to wonder how much she matters. She remembers the community hactivism brought her in college. It didn’t feel like family the way Team Arrow used to, but she never felt the crushing weight of being alone. Surrounded by people, yet utterly alone. She wonders if this is how Oliver felt when he first returned from Lian Yu. No one understood him, but at least he had people who asked, who tried, who cared. Felicity understands the pull of darkness and vengeance now. How it gives you something to focus on when the rest of the world is crumbling around you. How it makes you feel something, anything, when otherwise you feel entirely numb. Felicity understands better now than ever before exactly how Oliver Queen became The Hood. But, she wonders if there is going to be anyone to pull her out of her own darkness the way that she and Diggle pulled Oliver out of his. At this point, she wonders if she even wants someone to.


End file.
